Pay to Win: An Epic in Two Parts
by fricklefrackleXpress
Summary: A tale of two weebs. By Nabocchan and Aleximander.


Part 1- by Aleximander.

My arrival was signaled by trumpets. A chorus of angels followed. A fitting ceremony for I, the King of Angels. I logged in at my usual spot, my throne room.

The room resembled that of a cathedral. It was open, its roof scraping the very heavens. The walls were of cobbled stone, each richly carved into delicate patterns. Pillars held golden statues molded into my image, each in a different pose. All were dignified. Red carpet led from the large oaken double door to my chair. The chair itself was fashioned from ebony and shimmered like silver. Such was the lavishness of my domain.

Yes indeed. I am the great Aleximander, Commander of the 32nd Squadren. The Vanguard of Heaven. The King of Angels.

I giggled. I always did that upon seeing my vast success. I was unbeatable in this world.

My world in question was the free to play MMO Serenade. To haters it's a game where you 'pay to win'. And indeed, to be the very best you must be willing to sacrifice real world money. Honestly, though? I never 'got' those kinds of people. It's a game. And to be the best you have to pay the best.

No matter. THOSE people didn't play. Couldn't play. They had yet to transcend mortal bounds as I did.

The sound of my doors creaking open interrupted my thoughts. A scrawny man entered. He was clad in oily rags and above his head hovered his name. MASTRB8R420X. Next to it was the digit 1, indicating his level.

"Good morning." I said politely. "Welcome to my throne room, Master Beighter Four Hundred Twenty Ex. How may I help you?"

"lol u look liek a shit" He said in chat, opting out of using his microphone. "ur mom dress u?"

"Watch your tongue, knave. I am Aleximander, King of A-"

Before I knew it, he had crossed the gap to me. Ah. An assassin. I drew my gilded battle axe and met his diagonal slash with a well-timed Synchro Block. To my surprise however the weapon far outclassed mine and broke my defence easily. Three second paralysis. The punishment for a failed attack. He shoved his sword into my gullet. The world went black. My three hp bars were drained instantly.

"lol get gud nub" he typed into chat. I gasped for breath. How? How did he do it? I was Aleximander. Undefeated in battle.

GAME OVER

Silence. Like awakening from a dream. I noticed the frame of my moniter, heard birds chirping in the distance. A man was mowing his lawn. My hands were at their lap. Numb. My whole body was numb.

I swiveled my chair around. The apartment I rented was bare. Boxes of cereal and tap water functioned as my sustinence. I had no furniture. No tv. I sold it all. It was the only way I could transcend. The only way I could become the greatest.

"Why?"

My voice echoed through the halls. He had beaten me. He had outpayed and outsmarted me. And now he held the throne.

I checked the mirror. First time in several months. My beard trailed to my nipples. My body was pale, my bones poking through my flesh.

I turned away, tears in my eyes.

"Dammit, that Master Beighter Four Hundred Twenty Ex! He took everything from me! EVERYTHING!"

They say that the night is darkest before dawn. That night my dreams were fitful. I awoke at dawn drenched in sweat. Glancing at the rising sun, I vowed to kill him. Not in the game, such a punishment was ill-fitting. No, I vowed to kill him in real life so that he could know true shame.

Thankfully for me the internet had the tools for me to find him. The database that held player information was admin use only, but I was considered a moderator for my guild forum. It granted me full access. There it was. 'MASTRB8R420X'. Real name Cody Driggers. Age fourteen. My target.

But to truely kill him, to make his life meaningless under my boot, I had to gain more power. I had to take the mantle of King in real life to destroy the false king who usurped my digital throne.

Indeed, I had to become strong.

My training began that day. I ripped off a piece of wood from my bedframe and began beating myself with it. This would dull my senses, allowing me to soldier any blow.

Bloodied and bruised, I continued my grim blows. I drank water but ate little and slept none. Hours turned to days. Days to weeks. My body ached but I knew I had to continue. The angels urged me on, becoming louder the longer I stayed awake and denied food. They knew my training was working, and they goaded me on.

by the end I knew I had reached full potential. Time no longer had meaning and the angels were practically screaming in my ears.

I called to them.

"I CAN HEAR YOU! YOUR HEAVENS HAVE SPLIT WIDE TO ALLOW ME, ALEXIMANDER, YOUR DISCIPLE, TO ROAM FREE AMONG YOUR HALLS! HEED ME WELL, LORD, FOR I HAVE BECOME EVEN STRONGER THAN YOU! I HAVE USURPED YOUR THRONE AND AM NOW CROWNED AGAIN THE RIGHTFUL KING OF ANGELS!"

Ah yes. But the demons of hell knew already that I was the true threat. Already they knock. Two demons at my door. They disguised themselves as enforcers of the law but I knew their true face. I broke my stick over my knee, then stabbed them in the heart. Weaklings. They never saw me coming.

"Plus ten experience" I whispered.

I dragged them inside, shutting the door behind me. It was a convincing disguise. I stripped one of his uniform and put it on. Fit like a glove. They were powerful demons indeed to have such skill at decieving. For any normal human the blood of a demon would be poison, but for one of my caliber it would bolster my already near-limitless power. I feasted on their bodies. The fresh blood ran down my face like a fountain, and the flesh was the tastiest thing I had in many moons. The taste of power.

Instantly my HP was upgraded from one bar to three. And from the pockets of one of the demons I pilfered an Archane Pistol. A fitting weapon for the future ruler of mankind. In addition I bottled some of the demon blood for my journey.

With my newfound power I knew Cody 'Master Beighter' Driggers was no match for me. I glanced at my discarded information sheet. His address was '28 Line Street'. Two blocks away. I grinned. My lips cracked as they parted.

Part 2- by Nabbochan.

"How was school today?", Phil asked – stupidly.

"It sucked," I responded cooly.

Some girl I don't even know had tried to sit with me at lunch, when I was playing Cardfight! Vanguard alone with myself as the opponent again. I kicked ass at both sides, though.

"Oh, cool, I really like trading card games," she said. "Is that Cardfight?"

I smirked and did the glasses thing that really cool anime characters are always doing, when they put a finger on the bridge and let the lenses shine. I rotated my face around for a few seconds trying to catch the sun, then deigned to respond.

"Look," I said. "I don't have the time or patience to deal with you right now. Besides, I bet you don't even know who the timid yet talented junior high student is who owns the powerful card Blaster Blade".

But before I finished, she had already left. Probably to go drool over some asshole who flexed constantly. It's not easy being a true intellect.

I stared at my favorite card, and Yggdrasil Maiden, Elaine's eyes met mine in a smoldering gaze.

"Tell me, Elaine-chan," I sighed. "Why can't I find love?"

On the way home from school I saw someone following me home, too. He was a police officer, but he had an unkempt look and his uniform was splattered with dark stains. I realized quickly that he had probably seen my sick cards in school and planned to steal them. I reached for my katana before realizing that I had left it at home. My stupid mom wouldn't let me slip the powerful blade into my backpack, no matter how many times I told her it was necessary for self-defense.

A true samurai never fights without his katana. Even though I had mastered the Lone Wolf Double Crescent Kick and could easily split the would-be thief in half with my ki alone, it wouldn't be gentlemanly. I'm a pretty refined dude, so I had to strategically conceal myself with my ninja talents.

I planned to climb a telephone pole and lurk at the top, but I hadn't accounted for the weight of my school shit or my stupid American jeans. So instead, I used the Naruto Sprint, with my arms behind me and my full weight propelling me forward.

The baka behind me must have pulled a forbidden curse jutsu. My legs didn't work right and I was tripped, but luckily I used my diving roll technique so it still looked really cool. I skinned my knee though, which was totally lame. I almost cried, but I suppressed the rage, converting it to pure ki. I was ready to blast my opponent, but when I turned around to unleash my spirit beam he was gone.

"The cowardly fool must have fled. Come, gaijin, and taste my blade", I challenged aloud. But no one came, so I gave up and went home.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said Phil assholishly, about my school day sucking.

"I'm sorry to hear you," I shot back – just then, the doorbell rang. I was sure it was my rival, so I ran upstairs to fetch Kurokorosukatana, my cursed blade. Sakura was waiting for me.

"Just you wait," I told her. "Tonight we will celebrate the victory of a man who has drawn blood."

I fluffed her up, too. Just then, two loud pops made me jump. I recognized immediately the sound of an Archane Pistol, just like in a game I was playing. I screamed a war scream as my voice cracked in outrage.

Fifteen minutes later, I charged downstairs to confront the challenger, katana drawn. Phil was wrapped around the police dude, pinning him down. He looked totally gay. I could hear more police sirens too, probably to arrest him for attacking an officer like a dumbass.

"I practiced Krav Maga for fifteen years," Phil said with a wink and a grin.

"Yeah, and I practiced Grav Baga. Nice made-up words, idiot," I said, totally calling him on his bullshit.

Then I noticed that the cop on the floor was still struggling to escape. He was reaching for a gun all the way across the room, which isn't honorable to use in combat at all, so I had to show him my true power. I had to use my moves.

I rotated Kurokorosukatana slowly, gathering my ki.

"What are you doing – ", Phil asked like a baka.

I executed the Kamiringokawa Slash, slashing the sword down in a perfect arc. It glimmered in the afternoon sun as it lunged at my rival's neck, just like in an anime. I closed my eyes – it was my way of being respectful toward the dude getting chopped in half.

"Ow," were my opponent's last words.

When I opened my eyes again, I saw that the officer had somehow survived the attack and was rubbing his head. The blade of my katana had fallen off the handle, too. It was total bullshit.

As the defeated cop was dragged away by his police brethren, he craned his neck to face me. His eyes were bloodshot and wide and his whole face was covered in bulging veins – he must have still been reeling from the raw physical power of my assault.

"Damn you, Master Beighter Four Hundred Twenty Ex, you've foiled me again!", he screamed. But I hardly noticed. I was still staring in horror at my shattered blade.

"Thanks, Phil," I shouted as I retreated to my room. His stupid gaijin presence must have made the room's aura impure, so the katana self-destructed so it wouldn't give in to its curse and steal everyone's soul. I shed a single manly tear at its sacrifice, then more manly tears, burying my face in Sakura's sweet bosom.

I had won, but at what cost?

Cody-san, I pictured Sakura saying. But I wasn't sure if it was in my head or not; it could've been her spirit too, you know? Sometimes there's no way of knowing. Anyway, she said, Cody-san, sometimes a warrior must make sacrifices. It's like, part of the samurai code of bukkake. But you saved Phil even though he's an asshole – that's just like you, protecting everyone and shit – and defeated the evil officer trying to steal your sweet cards, so you're still rad and totally hot.

I nodded in understanding. It was true. I was still rad and totally hot.


End file.
